Suicidal Ideation

I wish I knew
why I am so sad
but the thing about what I have
is that there is no answer
I feel guilty
for that which draws me to the edge of destruction
because in spite of my brain
I do not want to go over that ledge
I does not help
how people these days seem so fascinated
now that they know
that’s how he went
but it isn’t glamorous
and isn’t worth any artistic material it may bring
I hate that my brother talks of it
like it’s a fun idea to base things on
I am not happy with this at all
I just want to sit inside a theater and drink coffee
and not have to deal
with such a horrendous imp of the perverse
writhing inside me
I want to be my whole self again
I don’t want to need savior somethings
I don’t want to see everyday objects as weapons
and I don’t know why this
any of this
has to exist
I don’t want hotlines
or “resources”
or a therapist
I want to feel at home in my own soul
it shouldn’t be this difficult