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IrmaI am very eager as of late
to prove myself queer
to the point where
today I felt myself falling head over heels
in Disney Princess love
with a girl solely since she listened
while I fangirled about Hedwig and Cabaret
and recounted the Queer German sadness
I offered to let her read my playbill
I imagined us going out for coffee after class
and crumbling into each other
as the emotion of our passion climaxed while we talked
but before the end of rehearsal
the tiniest tidbit of rationality in my brain kicked in
and told me how unwell it would work out
because I am not one bit good at romance
yet I’ve been listening to queer love songs
imagining a alternate universe
in which I have girlfriend
Fourteenth of SeptemberI’m really good at bitterness
I mean I don’t want to be
but when I’m expected to sympathize
with cruel people when they’re justly dumped or fired
what usually occurs
without me even thinking about it
I say “good” and/or “that’s not surprising”
and the residual catholic guilt inside me
tells me this is a wrong reaction
and yet when someone is misogynistic
it’s no surprise their wife would want a divorce
and when someone is a bad teacher
it’s only best for the students for them to be let go
One Thousand PoemsI have written a copious amount
Of sentiment, the flowing fount
I don't want to be the sort that boasts
But I suppose I have a thousand posts
This isn't really cause they're good
Since I post more than I really should
It may seem fancy but it's not
It's only cause I vent a lot
Tightening BootstrapsI'm going to give up fancy drinks
And I'll give up buying food
And I'll eat whatever I'm given by benefactors
And I'll try to make coffee myself
And I cannot buy new swimsuit tops
And I cannot buy myself flowers
I need to save my money
Because college costs forty thousand minimum
So I mustn't spend my money on *anything* else
Fan of His workI've decided to steal Hedwig's response
so that when the next person tries converting me
and ask if I've accepted Jesus
I'll say, "No, but I love his work"
because that is entirely true-
I no longer view myself as Christian
yet many of core beliefs are the same
in my own personal hodgepodge spirituality
that, too, is much like Hedwig
since there's some greek in there among other things
I don't want to appropriate other spiritualities
but if there's something that feels like soul-speak to me
it generally gets put into the stew that is my spirituality
so I'll have this tucked away for the next soul who tries to convert me
since the two most frequent stranger interactions
are those who catcall and those who try to convert
for Catcalls I have my Mama Dixons and for onversions I have this
'Ya Hear Me?'Bus rides are almost always eventful
just this morning there was a brawl
but tonight's encounter was particularly weird
a guy stumbled on
and threw himself into the seat beside mine
and I thought "Oh no, not again"
he told me he thought I was pretty
which is the usual protocol with any bus creep
but then went on to lecture me about my virginity
not only is that in no way his business
but he kept gesturing towards my crotch
as he spouted perceived wisdom
which was mostly incorrect
regarding female anatomy
one would think he'd be less egregiously wrong
considering he claimed to have fathered two kids
but I let him ramble since I really had no other choice
and tried to reel in the feminist rant about virginity
that was rumbling beneath my still calm exterior
I wasn't what you would call comfortable
but of all the encounters with men on busses
this was on the positive side since at least it was interesting
he went on to preach at me that I should be a career girl
that he saw some inkling o
Sad Anniversaries Are ImpendingI can tell
and I can feel it
that as forward looking
as I am trying to be
I feel my universe
has rearranged itself almost entirely
I know it will mark a year soon
since certain things
that carved scratches into my soul
and I like to think I’ve recovered
I now feel wrong for calling tragic
yet I have to stop myself
before I get too into this
since I don’t want to be brought back
I’m strong enough to keep moving forward
but I’m not yet strong enough to go back
not even in memory if I can help it
but for what it’s worth:
I’ve forgotten the other dates
likely for the best
though I say
“Dear Self Remember This”
because it will happen again
and when it does
I must be determined
to be the voice one can follow
when no other love can be found
Even Tiny Thumbnails Hit HardGuess what isn’t a good idea:
going through the videos I watched the most
when I was struggling the hardest
It only leads to me feeling on the verge of tears
Being unable to focus on homework
reblog all the queer stuff
because it brought back the memories
that make the prospect of Triumphant Queerness
seem like the most beautiful thing in the world
He Keeps Having Cameos In My DreamsI fucking love John Cameron Mitchell
this should come as no surprise
but I adore him for so many reasons
I was watching interviews with him
since I was trying to put into words
some elements of my queer experience
as related to Hedwig
and as I listened to JCM talk
he began using the words that appear the most
in my own vocabulary
he was all “Catharsis” this
and “My Baby” that
and recounting how much he cried
I don’t know, I just-
AAAAUAUUUGHHHH, be still my heart!
I Tear My Skin AwayI Tear My Skin Away
I tear this skin from my body,
Even if the world screams,
That I am only an illusion.
I tear the bones from my legs,
Through pain, I will grow,
Through suffering, I will become.
I rip the muscles from my arms,
These teeth from my jaws...
And with nothing upon me,
I carry on...
Like a broken puppet, still shivering,
Still forcing its way through the darkness;
I tremble for I am nothing...
And yet, I am moving. My voice still screams...
I draw breath into these tired lungs,
As I rip the flesh away...
And I shatter these mirrors before me,
With a voice that will not break:
Because the world cannot label me as nothing,
And I will live for my own sake!
"So tell me, is that all the pain you've got for me?"
I screamMy scream is loud.
My scream is honest.
My scream is desperate.
My scream is filled with truth.
Why would nobody hear me?
You're beautifulPlease eat.
Are you listening to me?
If you are,
I want to tell you.
You re beautiful.
It doesn't matter what you weigh,
you shouldn't feel guilty about what you ate.
It doesn't matter,
I promise you things will get better.
Listen to my words,
Hold my hand.
Don't worry about the rest of the world,
It's okay if they don't understand,
How it feels like,
To feel fat,
To feel ugly,
To feel worthless.
You are none of those things.
It s okay to be chubby,
It s okay to be skinny.
Because you have a big heart.
And your smile,
Is like a priceless work of art.
And I don't want to see you destroy,
Because you're more than just a broken toy.
And to everyone else,
So for once let yourself be,
Accept your reflection.
Because you are the definition of perfection.
So don't worry,
Don't be sorry,
To be who you are.
Because you re,
Those Green Eyes (Or: Don't Lie to Your Kid)Those green eyes -
The green of joy
The green of hope
The green of love and acceptance -
Were always full of lies.
They first lied when I said,
After a nightmare at four am
When I was too small to reach a light switch,
“Will you ever leave me?”
And those eyes said,
Why did those green eyes
Shut when I needed them most?
"Are you okay?"
Would be a red line
That I would etch into myself
Those green eyes melted.
Those green eyes did shine
And I knew what it was -
I was young, not stupid -
But I indulged the lie,
For those green eyes.
"Will it get better?"
I asked one sunny Saturday
At ten in the morning
And those green eyes looked away;
“And you’ll be here forever?”
There were no words.
I made up my own affirmative.
Those green eyes -
When they saw
How I’d rubbed myself raw
notes on a matchbook love.if I were the type
to say how I really felt,
I'd tell you that
I hope you choke on your apologies
like they're arsenic
and your nails are already
with the poison.
I'd let you know
that I'll never be a body
for you to touch
just because I know that's all you want.
I'll never be a fairy in a bottle
at your waist.
this is no storybook, and
I am no myth.
hear my silence,
feel the cold absence
respond to your weak "I'm sorry"s.
I beg you,
stop digging the hole,
stop, just stop.
Hush and watch the flames
engulf the image you sold me.
you can tell me
I'm beautiful as much
as you want,
but I know that it's not enough,
that you'll always want more,
that you've been a wolf
between my legs all this time
and my fingers are bruised
from holding the leash.
now every time you whisper
"please be okay",
I will always tell you that
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I will forever pretend
that I've grown up from you,
that I've become a mystery
What is Hope?Hope is something we have as children,
It helps us thrive and try our hardest.
Hope is what we express in the worst of times
When all hope seems lost.
Hope is what people possess in life
To work toward our dreams.
Hope is a lie
That's not worth our time.
I Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger TogetherI Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger Together
if i’m being completely honest,
i can’t say i know what you’re goin’ through.
and if i’m being frank,
i’m sort of afraid to write this
because i’ve always been unsure
if i love too much but it’s my nature
and i’d rather lose by trying too hard
than to do so without doing enough.
i hope you’re asleep now
and i hope you don’t read this
till the morning and i hope by then
things will be a little lighter
but i’m hoping against hope
because if you don’t know,
i feel when things are off.
call it intuition, call it a feelin’,
say i just know it.
my friend, my door is always open
even when you’re feeling closed
off to the world and right there,
i can understand that feeling well,
because i still feel we relate to one another
better than most brothers understand their sisters.
know i look at you as a sibling
and i believe we know when the other
Featherweight HeavyFeatherweight Heavy
this is how you witness love unfold
and bloom into something bigger
than rafflesia. something bigger
than the whispers
that stay huddled underneath bed sheets
stained with teenage curiosity.
bigger than the edges of coffee mugs
that hold affection
at the bottom of the cup like sugar
with your morning lover.
bigger than the sticky kisses
of his baby girl pecking her daddy’s cheek
for the first time.
it’s the love of two kindred spirits
that hover miles upon miles away
but are interconnected through
some magical, mystical,
whether it is through
a similar rhythm in pulsation
or akin ink that stains our fingertips.
love unfolds and blooms
when the rain is a thunderstorm
and it stands tall in the eye,
even if it stares down the petals.
i have come to hold in my hands
that we all fall.
even empires, even kings, queens.
even a wisdom of a god.
new civilizations born under
the weight of featherweight heavy.
death is light but ends are anv
I was so mean, my god was I mean, and you were the innocent archetype. You were never that open, or naive after that year. I feel like I broke you, but it took me so long to realize, and now I cannot apologize since, I'm sure, you don't remember. Many of the people I hurt don't remember me, but my words shaped their souls and I wish I could take all that back. It's true, you know, those that are hurt tend to hurt others, but you are anomalistically kind, and I wish I could be as devoted to anything in life as you were to everything. You'll make it I swear, even while I am stuck. I'll be your Renfield, perhaps then I'll earn your forgiveness.
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More