i'm starting back on them todayI FIGURED OUT WHY I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO PHYSICALLY CRY
I HAVEN’T BEEN TAKING MY PILLS
BECAUSE I’M A JERK WHO THINKS THAT THERE ARE BIGGER FISH TO FRY
BUT MEDS HELP TO A DEGREE AND THIS PROVES IT
SINCE I’D RATHER BE AN EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE MESS
THAN AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT WRECK
Crying Over A Taylor Swift SongI’m such a queer sap
like when I cried over Taylor Swift singing ‘Welcome To New York’ on Thanksgiving
I was already getting verklempt over the fact she was expressing my aspirations
but what got me then and got me again just now was simply
“You can want who you want:
Boys and Boys
Girls and Girls”
and I’m not good at being rational
but it’s like- that’s such a simple thing to cry over
anyone could say that sort of thing
and it isn’t as deep as the JCM quotes and Rantasmo videos
but, woah, here I am
internally sobbing away like a sap nevertheless
La Cage Aux FollesMy Godmother wants to take me to see ‘La Cage Aux Folles’ as a Christmas present
And I’m all about it and super eager for the first time
But I have a feeling I’m going to turn into an emotional wreck
Why? Because before I found ‘Wicked Little Town’
The first time I was left after that Theatre Class trying to find a way to cope with what I had heard
I went out onto the University Center patio
And played at full volume from my comparatively quiet laptop speakers ‘I Am What I Am’
And sobbed and wrote my E-mail to Briggle
Now I can listen to it fine on i-tunes without crying or anything
And if I do cry, I doubt it’ll be at the magnitude Wicked Little Town got me to
(since that was magical and felt like a spiritual experience- I swear to that and all I believe in)
But I have to be prepared for being a mess- stuff a wealth of kleenex in my cleavage
Lest I make a scene, since my Godmother is the sort who doesn’t like when I "make a s
HummingbirdI have extremely mixed feelings about Ecofeminism
especially since every time I find something that seems helpful
I soon find the entirely unhelpful other side of it
and for my midterm for my Ecofeminism class
I had to write and present about how Annie Leonard is a saint
and just this week I end up finding
the foundation she runs fucked up ancient drawings
just because they wanted their voices heard
and in the process smack dab silenced an ancient people’s expression
and I know I’m taking umbrage in the most distant privileged way possible
but for one thing: when I was a kid I always wanted to adventure in Peru
since the national geographic specials I watched made it look like heaven
and so seeing this example of their important spirituality and art
desecrated for some jerk white feminists to prove a point
makes me feel literally viscerally sick
because they obviously don’t get the point of their own allegedly “spirituality-infused” movement
and this week
Apologies To Hana And KennediI can’t believe
how jealous I let myself become
of other women thriving
and yeah there’ll be times
when I’ll think I worked harder
than those who end up winning adulation
but I mustn’t ever let myself become bitter
my time will come if I keep working
and I know that idealism might not be true
but I’ll need to pretend it is
because even if triumph never comes
I can at least say I didn’t try to break someone
solely for the sake of trying to make myself feel whole
CourtneyA few evenings ago
As I sat in a near-empty train
A song emerged from my earbuds I hadn’t heard in years
I sighed into the deep familiarity and the bittersweet longing of it
And as the song continued, the emotion the word “How” sang with
Jolted me back into remembering my roots
Remembering how I swayed along in class as I listened to it sung
The same way I swayed along in the Belasco lobby as I heard my favorite chords strike
Back then I felt her feeling as much as my own
She was very open with her heartbreak and I admire her so greatly for that
And all at once it seems so strange
That someone so simultaneously strong and vulnerable
Decided, unlike me, she has no interest in continuing on as a Theatre person
And although I don’t believe in “should”s in regards to choosing one’s destiny
I believe she would be one of the legends had she kept with it
And she’s a legend on her own as she is in her own fate
But I hope she realizes how much I a
Adopting Hedwig's MentalityI was told
what happened to me
happened because I loved myself too much
that I ought to shrink myself if I want to be safe
and since then
I’ve tried to do just that
and it’s resulted in feeling less safe within myself
so I’ve decided
to love myself so much that it scares people
since if it scares them away
they won’t be able to hurt me
neustrasivostI don’t want to admit
how scared I am
that this’ll just be a columbia repeat
I mean I’m doing all I can
to be sure it won’t end up as such
I’m stronger now than I was then
and I’m very much smarter
but I’m scared that I’m not any braver
I mean I’ll wear my lipstick and do my thing
and believe in myself more than ever before
but I have a looming sense of dread
that the darkness will envelope me
and people will refuse to be kind
so I’ve been watching prison shows
and mentally taking note
of how to navigate among people
who’d rather you die in order for them to have more room
just in case my past decides to repeat itself
but I can’t go on thinking like that
I know things can be better than they were
and even if they aren’t on their own
I know I’ll need to make them better
because I can’t go on living fearfully
even if everything is telling me that’s the smartest way to survive
but I’ll be
YitzhakI wrote this better in my mind last night
but I was thinking about this
If I were Yitzhak
(not playing Yitzhak
because for that
I’d have to stay somewhat true
to the very soft-spoken script)
But if I were Yitzhak
Anytime Hedwig said something mean about me
and the Audience began to laugh
I’d howl “LOL” as loudly and noticeably as possible
almost to the point where I’d be *singing* it
so that the audience’s attention was on me
since in that moment
I would be the one who deserved it
and I’m tempted
to try to implement this tactic in my life
and I know I don’t give him as much credit
as I do for Hedwig
but Yitzhak is really important
but similarly to Hedwig
as much as I love him
I cannot allow myself to be him
no matter what
You Deserve to SmileDo what you have to do to be happy.
Eat an entire chocolate cake,
Swallow all the pills you need to take -
'Medication' isn't a dirty word.
Wear a princess dress
Or a band t-shirt with
Jeans in distress -
Boy or girl or anything in between,
Stand before that mirror
Take a twirl
And see how beautiful you are.
Go for a run,
Have some fun,
Watch Netflix until your eyes burn,
Curl up in bed -
Take a vacation from your head.
Phone a friend
And talk for hours,
Or stay in your room
And wait for the darkness
To end -
No need to pretend,
Just do what you need.
Paint a picture
Or write a sonnet,
Or just sit still
And breathe -
Pick some flowers,
Just for yourself -
You are just as special
As anyone else.
Can You Hold on One More Day?I read a poem about a boy.
Who had lost all of his pride and joy.
He wore his heart on his sleeves.
Which were stained red,
From all of the blood that he bled.
The boy died...
By the blade of a knife.
That he ran up and down his wrists.
And I couldn't help but cry.
That poem was fake.
There wasn't such a boy.
It wasn't a true story.
But... Then I began to realize.
That just because it wasn't that specific boy.
There are others just like him.
Begging for death.
Slitting their wrists,
And hoping to die.
Because so many times,
And so many times,
But nothing gets better!
I just wanted to say,
I've been that boy.
At some point.
I felt that way.
And I just wanted to say,
I am so sorry.
I know it hurts but hang on another day.
Please, stay with me dear.
Don't join that boy,
No, not tonight.
Stay with me,
Suckerpunch SweetheartRed lipstick war paint
I am a soldier in my own war;
A force split in two sides.
I am a force of nature
Bring about my own rapture
And I’ll bring you to your knees.
Little girl lost.
Cut off my hair
Cut into my skin
Pretty princess girl
Let me in
Let me in.
Sugar in my veins
And poison in my heart;
I can turn blood
Into a work of art.
I won’t go there again
Won’t do it
A sea of hands
In my head.
A universe inside.
Just what's inside.
Bullied On Our Friendly Website DA
There was once a two authors on a website that wanted to let their opinion out.
But a famous author set to put them out.
She took the flame of these little author’s hearts making them burn from blue to red.
And here’s what she said,
“Your little fire shall be extinguished because I want you to get the Fuck Out!”
The tiny authors wept and cried.
Wondering was it because they picked a side.
Maybe if they had gone with the flow of everyone else
they wouldn't have suffered being a different self?
The small male author thought it was too much to handle and left.
But the dainty female author stayed behind. However
The light within her grew dimmer and dimmer.
And its glow became barely a shimmer.
Her originality became to be like everything else she owned: plastic.
She wasn't real anymore; just another author following the trends.
All hope was lost.
No one to come save her.
Sadness reigned within her,
making her shallow and pale as Frost.
Eternity Comes Only Once
...In a dream of eternal youth
with beautiful eyes and unspoken truths,
dancing on a thin thread drawn by Selena
in a blue night when all four winds talking about peace;
...In that unique poem when love
shines more than the Sun God on your ring finger,
weaving lasting hopes on a delicate cobweb
in a white day of the beginning of all beginnings;
...In a cold afternoon of December
with memories which surrounds the Arctic Circle,
melting everlasting snows that floods the time,
paradoxically, leaving behind them the fire which burns your heart;
....In the black hole of a single moment,
with pain, with answers, with courage, maybe with joy, or Not,
Waltz with the time between seconds,
Eternity comes only once...
V o i c e s
These whispers in my head,
trying to push me to the end.
All I want is to go home,
but then I remember,
I've always been alone.
i cradle my hope
with both hands,
as if holding it close
will give it the warmth
to stay alive.
when you come near
it flares and rustles,
begging to take flight;
yet i am both caress
we have confused our signals,
mixed our drinks and
closure looms ominous
but i would rather forget
than be caught in this
luminous void of
i am weak
you are blind,
perhaps we could be
if only we spoke.
you have unknowingly
in helical fundamentals
about my identity,
shaped me in
the embers of
i wish i knew
when to release
this frail hope.
we're both drunk
and you're shaking,
caught in a moment
neither here nor now.
bring you back to
the present, and i linger
but you are eager to eclipse
so you run.
i'm too afraid to ask,
but at least the question's
we're both cowards.
bound in retrospectpart i.
about wreckage and dreaming,
about nights wept weary,
and how city limits
compress to claim you
when you run.
away early mo(u)rning
and choosing dark over light;
how eventually i stopped
wishing upon stars
what’s the point.
there is no true way
for someone this self-conscious
to let loose streams of
but i'm trying.
you are an immersion
racing down my spine,
along vertebrae as if
they belong to you
but they shouldn’t,
you are long-limbed eyelashes,
a study in faux-reluctance.
you are a cage
i never could penetrate
although you never had much trouble
ignoring my reluctance;
penetration became a game
i never won.
this was never a love story,
but add enough adjective
and i guess it can be
whatever you want it to be.
warped to your ideal,
turn me to my better angle
and hide the flaws;
hide the fa
Demons Can Feel TooI'll admit that I'm a demon.
I'm cold and cruel,
Hateful and quick to anger.
I prefer darkness over light.
But demons can have feelings too.
I can be hurt, offended.
I can be sympathetic.
I can care for other people
And I can love.
I may be a cruel being.
Excessively so at times.
But that doesn't make me heartless.
Though I may seem so,
I do have a heart.
And I do use it.
Just not often.
Because the problem with having a heart
Is it can be broken.
And I don't want a broken heart.
I think maybe that's why demons seem so cruel and hateful.
They're just afraid of getting hurt.
I was so mean, my god was I mean, and you were the innocent archetype. You were never that open, or naive after that year. I feel like I broke you, but it took me so long to realize, and now I cannot apologize since, I'm sure, you don't remember. Many of the people I hurt don't remember me, but my words shaped their souls and I wish I could take all that back. It's true, you know, those that are hurt tend to hurt others, but you are anomalistically kind, and I wish I could be as devoted to anything in life as you were to everything. You'll make it I swear, even while I am stuck. I'll be your Renfield, perhaps then I'll earn your forgiveness.