I Tried Singing Once

I decided to write about this to distract myself from nausea, since I’m a sick puppy who’s jerk stomach can’t even tolerate a couple of bites of mashed potatoes…

Alright so this line means a lot to me. It’s said twice, at least in the Broadway production, once, as it’s said here and another time when Hedwig is talking about how in her childhood, when she felt compelled to sing along with her radio in the oven, her mother yelled at her to stop and threw tomatoes at her. Hedwig says something to the effect of “I had a nice snack”.

For one thing (and it’s been said before by many) Hedwig’s tenacity is so apparent here. In the moments when I’ve been yelled at/made fun of for my singing, I've crumbled and wound up feeling sorry for myself, yet it seems to Hedwig as if it doesn’t phase her.

True, it’s portrayed in the current Broadway production that until she found her Rockstar persona, aided by her snazzy wig, she didn’t feel worthy of singing anything outside of the backup vocals. Yet to me, the fact that she’d been told off twice and bombarded with rotten fruit, and still manages to muster up the bravery to become the punk rock star she always idolized and wanted to be, says a ton about Hedwig as a character.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me (or reads my poetry) that Hedwig as a character has helped me through a multitude of difficult times, and this line is indicative of how she helped. When I was attending Columbia College Chicago I found myself having a relapse in confidence, and as gaining confidence came with being able to sing fearlessly, so too did losing confidence come with becoming afraid of being heard singing. This in no small part was triggered by an event that occurred wherein I was screamed at to stop singing (coincidentally I was singing 'Wicked Little Town’).

Later, when finally took notice that my confidence and singing ability were disappearing, I ran to Hedwig to help. I barricaded myself in a sound booth and sang ‘Wicked Little Town’ with the minuscule amount of courage I could muster.

Hedwig is helping me sing again- I often perform each and every song from the show in the shower, and because of this, I am nurturing my voice and confidence back to the place they were before all the awfulness happened. When I saw Hedwig on Broadway I wept over ‘Wicked Little Town’ and felt the most beautiful catharsis I’ve ever experienced.

But anyways: the fact that Hedwig Robinson, a fictional savior of mine, can be scolded for singing, yet sings anyways, means the world to me. I could try to psychoanalyze Hedwig with every spare hour I have, since I know there’s more to Hedwig than what I’m simply writing about right now, but Hedwig’s resilience is ridiculously inspiring to me. To me, singing is an act of bravery, self love, selflessness, and salvation all at once, and Hedwig helps me to keep on singing; I love her for that.