A Letter To Lisa At 5:04 AM

Dear Lisa
I didn’t expect to write to you again
since I imagine my last letter upset you
considering you haven’t written back
though I assure you
I didn’t mean to offend you in any way
and if I did, and I know I oughtn’t justify,
but at that time I was in a very bad place.
I decided to write to you today
since something occurred yesterday
that brought me entirely back
to remembering you, and FYS, and Columbia
and pretty much everything you taught me
I’m intending on transferring colleges soon
since I’ve grown out of MCTC
and in four months, if all goes well,
I’ll have an associates
and be accepted to somewhere new
I’ve been amping myself up
since, as much as I adored your help,
as you know, Columbia was an emotional disaster for me
and because of this
I am filling my heart with affirmations
and teaching myself to be strong again
because of this, according to my mother,
I’ve become even more polarizing as a person
and she sat me down and lectured me, saying,
if I expect to thrive in a competitive artistic world
(I’m determined to make a life in Theatre, I’ve decided)
I have to be likable,
and to her being likable means toning down my true self
she says I’m much too much
and that people will think I’m snooty
for having the mere audacity to believe I deserve to be there
yet for me, I need that audacity and belief
if I intend to work in art, audition, and the likes
through openness I’ve had both my best and worst experiences
but I’d rather brave a million more Columbias
for one more SPCPA
than go a lifetime merely living a life that’s seen as nonthreatening
I’ve vowed to myself that I will shrink for no one
since that was the fire in my soul that kept me going
when I didn’t believe anything else in this entire world could
so what I’m getting at, I suppose
is that yesterday my mother put words
to the feeling Columbia gave me that scared me away
and that’s a terrifying thing, to be honest
I know she wants the best for me
but if I can justify her saying it
it doesn’t make a ton of sense
why I couldn’t justify the vibes I got from Columbia
which communicated the same thing
regardless, I am sure of myself, and I think I need to be
I know I come off as arrogant
and I’m well aware that isn’t a phenomenal trait
yet I’d rather stride bedecked in arrogance
than cower along in this life, draped in insecurity
and I’d rather brave the winter winds of life
ribs ripped open, organs exposed
for the sole purpose of showing someone my soul
than go a lifetime unscathed
Art is openness
every artist I adore seems to prove that, you included
and I know I’m naive
but I hope to hold out as long as I possibly can
before I become callused and unwilling to let the world in
I am not a stable person
and I know this is unwise, yet to me
this is the only way I know how to survive